1
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♪♪ [theme]

2
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Here you go.

3
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Just like Mom's, give or
take a couple of nozzles.

4
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I'm sorry it's powdered.

5
00:01:09,460 --> 00:01:11,984
World War II surplus.

6
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Just think about
the guys in the next war

7
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that are gonna have
to eat this one.

8
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Radar, your little
friend and I

9
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just had another
shower together.

10
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I think he's trying
to have an affair
with one of my corns.

11
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Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

12
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That's quite a spread you got
here for the little buggers.

13
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Oh, they'd do the same for me
if they had the wood.

14
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They all got their
own little dog tags.

15
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That, uh,
P for Protestant?

16
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Possum, sir.

17
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I put 'em
according to family.

18
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I see.

19
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[sigh]

20
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[whispering] I told you
not to do that.

21
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He's a colonel.

22
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Gee.

23
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You make a great
lower-lip sandwich.

24
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Really?

25
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I'm engaged to a pilot.

26
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So am I. I just hope
it's not the same one.

27
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RADAR: Anybody in here?

28
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Ohh.

29
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Wait.

30
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Later, Doctor.

31
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My tent, around seven-ish?

32
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I'll be the one with the
khaki rose in my teeth.

33
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Now what can I
do for you, Radar?

34
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And please remember,

35
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I'm running out of
anti-puberty pills.

36
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Uh, you're supposed to sign
these release papers

37
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for these patients'
releasal.

38
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I don't understand
a word you say,

39
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but I'll fight to the death
your right to confuse me.

40
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Sign right here.

41
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Hey, that's
a nasty scratch.

42
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Whoever she is, you better
tell her to clip her nails

43
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or file her teeth
or both.

44
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Well, I was kiddin' around
with a dog the other day,

45
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and it bit me.

46
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Didn't mean to, though.

47
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What dog? When?

48
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Couple days ago.

49
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Just a mutt. I give it
stuff from the kitchen,

50
00:03:00,702 --> 00:03:03,183
although I don't like
bein' cruel to animals.

51
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Where's this dog now?

52
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Comes and goes.

53
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Radar, dysentery and rabies
are the two biggest numbers

54
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on the Korean Hit Parade.

55
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Get me that dog.

56
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"Corporal Travis,
Richard. To Tokyo.

57
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Typical psycho case,
shell shock."

58
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Frank, that's straight
out of World War I.

59
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Nobody thinks
"shell shock" anymore.

60
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Oh, what's the diff?

61
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Too much action gets 'em
in the old brain box.

62
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Makes even the best
soldier gaga.

63
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Frank, I defy you to
show me a medical book

64
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that lists the
word "gaga."

65
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[scoffs]

66
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New shipment?

67
00:03:37,608 --> 00:03:40,176
Yeah. They were stampeded
by a herd of tanks.

68
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One kid's paralyzed,
but no apparent injury.

69
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Which is why I'm
sending him to Tokyo.

70
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Frank, it's no skin
off your nose

71
00:03:47,009 --> 00:03:48,924
if we observe him
for a few hours.

72
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We haven't facilities

73
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for every slug-nutty
that comes through here.

74
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Slug-nutty?

75
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Wait a second.
Wait a minute.

76
00:03:54,712 --> 00:03:56,018
Look, Frank, we can
settle this diplomatically.

77
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Shake hands,
go to your corner,

78
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and when the bell rings,

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Trapper will come over
and beat your brains out.

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TRAPPER:
Slug-nutty.

81
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-Here?
-Right here, yeah.

82
00:04:03,939 --> 00:04:06,028
How do you feel, fella?

83
00:04:06,071 --> 00:04:07,943
I don't, sir.

84
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What happened?

85
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Can you talk about it?

86
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I don't know.

87
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What's the last
thing you remember?

88
00:04:19,128 --> 00:04:20,216
Uh...

89
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the tanks, I guess.

90
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And I blacked out.

91
00:04:27,049 --> 00:04:29,399
And the next thing I know,
I couldn't move.

92
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Sounds like one of those cases

93
00:04:32,446 --> 00:04:34,012
Sid Freeman's been working on.

94
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All right, you can park him.
He's staying.

95
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Yes, sir.

96
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I'm in charge,
and I say he's not staying!

97
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He's not wounded!

98
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And probably just
another litter salesman,

99
00:04:42,412 --> 00:04:44,849
trying to suck us in with
a free demonstration.

100
00:04:44,893 --> 00:04:47,983
He goes to Tokyo,
and that's an order!

101
00:04:48,026 --> 00:04:50,594
Cancel the order.
We'll take the patient.

102
00:04:50,638 --> 00:04:54,076
I outrank them, corpsman.
I can have you punished.

103
00:04:54,119 --> 00:04:55,599
We can do better than that.

104
00:04:55,643 --> 00:04:57,035
We'll stitch your helmet
to your head.

105
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TRAPPER: This way.

106
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You two are gonna
pay for this.

107
00:05:02,519 --> 00:05:04,216
Not on our salary.

108
00:05:04,260 --> 00:05:06,784
We'd like to apologize
for Major Ferret Face.

109
00:05:06,828 --> 00:05:09,004
He used to be
a driver for Hitler
till the bomb went off.

110
00:05:09,047 --> 00:05:11,136
Been losing screws
and clickin' his heels
ever since.

111
00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:15,924
Sidney?

112
00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:18,013
Hawkeye Pierce.

113
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Did I interrupt you in
the middle of someone?

114
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Good.

115
00:05:22,060 --> 00:05:24,367
Listen, we got a kid up
here who's paralyzed,

116
00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:26,238
but he's sustained
no wounds at all.

117
00:05:27,501 --> 00:05:29,198
Combat exhaustion,
I figured.

118
00:05:31,069 --> 00:05:32,114
Listen, I'd love
for you to come up here

119
00:05:32,157 --> 00:05:33,637
and try your new
therapy on him.

120
00:05:35,944 --> 00:05:40,209
Well, I've been trying to do it
in my own crude way, but--

121
00:05:40,252 --> 00:05:43,560
Look, I know you're busy.
I'm busy too. We're all busy.

122
00:05:43,604 --> 00:05:45,040
The war's making us
all millionaires.

123
00:05:49,392 --> 00:05:51,525
I can't do it.
I'm not a psychiatrist.

124
00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:53,353
I'm not screwed up enough.

125
00:05:57,444 --> 00:05:58,836
Okay, I'll try.

126
00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:01,970
I'll try.

127
00:06:05,452 --> 00:06:07,105
[sigh]

128
00:06:09,804 --> 00:06:10,935
What did Sidney say?

129
00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:12,415
He said I should
go ahead and do it.

130
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I'll be wonderful.

131
00:06:14,199 --> 00:06:15,940
Watch this kind
of wonderful.

132
00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:17,855
Captain Pierce,
I want a word with you.

133
00:06:17,899 --> 00:06:20,815
Fine. You wanna act it out
or whisper it in my ear?

134
00:06:20,858 --> 00:06:22,425
It's about
Corporal Travis.

135
00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:23,992
Because of your orders,

136
00:06:24,035 --> 00:06:26,124
we're having to change
his bed around the clock.

137
00:06:26,168 --> 00:06:27,952
Well, you have my permission
to move the clock.

138
00:06:27,996 --> 00:06:30,738
You're disrupting
my nurses' routine.

139
00:06:30,781 --> 00:06:32,435
Look, Clara...

140
00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:34,568
I'm not issuing
a bedpan license

141
00:06:34,611 --> 00:06:36,439
to anybody who can walk on
his own two feet, okay?

142
00:06:36,483 --> 00:06:38,049
That is the most inhumane,

143
00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:40,008
degrading thing
I've ever heard of.

144
00:06:40,051 --> 00:06:42,445
-How can you be so cruel?
-Tight shorts.

145
00:06:42,489 --> 00:06:44,621
Cuts off the oxygen
supply to my brain.

146
00:06:48,016 --> 00:06:49,800
[sigh]
Morning, Corporal.

147
00:06:52,499 --> 00:06:53,978
You're still a U.S. soldier!

148
00:06:54,022 --> 00:06:56,416
I expect you to look at me
when I address you!

149
00:07:04,162 --> 00:07:05,990
Lot of people here
at Cockroach General

150
00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:07,644
think that you can't do
anything for yourself,

151
00:07:07,688 --> 00:07:09,820
like-like walk or anything.

152
00:07:09,864 --> 00:07:12,649
I don't think that's true.
What do you think?

153
00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:14,956
I think you're wrong.

154
00:07:14,999 --> 00:07:17,132
Yeah, but your legs
are on my side.

155
00:07:19,177 --> 00:07:20,657
What's that mean?

156
00:07:20,701 --> 00:07:22,093
They're both still there,

157
00:07:22,137 --> 00:07:23,443
each on the correct side.

158
00:07:25,053 --> 00:07:27,098
You haven't got a scratch
inside or out.

159
00:07:27,142 --> 00:07:28,622
They can function.

160
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:32,452
You wanna tell me
about the tanks?

161
00:07:42,549 --> 00:07:44,420
What happened
after the tanks came?

162
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,212
Look, we all have
our breaking point.

163
00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:59,609
Personally, mine is at 2:00,
4:00 and 6:00 every day.

164
00:07:59,653 --> 00:08:01,002
It's a condition

165
00:08:01,045 --> 00:08:02,612
known in medical terms
as yellow belly.

166
00:08:04,919 --> 00:08:08,400
I survive by keeping a standing
reservation at the latrine

167
00:08:08,444 --> 00:08:11,403
and screaming into
my pillow every night.

168
00:08:14,232 --> 00:08:16,017
Of course, that's not
everybody's style.

169
00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:33,077
Okay, you'll tell me
when you're ready.

170
00:08:33,121 --> 00:08:36,559
Meanwhile, muscles have a way
of being very vindictive.

171
00:08:36,603 --> 00:08:38,343
You don't take 'em out for
a walk once in a while,

172
00:08:38,387 --> 00:08:40,345
they try to stay home
permanently.

173
00:08:40,389 --> 00:08:42,957
In fact, you lie
there long enough,
when you go home,

174
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,133
you're gonna get yourself
a good job as a doorstop.

175
00:08:45,176 --> 00:08:46,874
Save the room service.

176
00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:48,745
He's takin' the Shoe Leather
Express to the mess tent.

177
00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:50,225
He can't eat in there.

178
00:08:50,268 --> 00:08:51,748
Who can?

179
00:08:51,792 --> 00:08:53,881
I hear the specialty
today is trench toast.

180
00:08:53,924 --> 00:08:57,145
Doctor, the patient
obviously can't walk.

181
00:08:57,188 --> 00:08:59,234
Well, then he can crawl,
or he can go hungry!

182
00:08:59,277 --> 00:09:00,627
Whatever you prefer!

183
00:09:00,670 --> 00:09:02,890
Sir, don't you think
I want to move?

184
00:09:02,933 --> 00:09:04,413
Well, it'll come in handy

185
00:09:04,456 --> 00:09:06,197
when you get sent
back to the front.

186
00:09:06,241 --> 00:09:08,417
Otherwise, you're gonna
be a pretty big papoose

187
00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:09,766
for somebody's backpack!

188
00:09:21,430 --> 00:09:23,258
Not easy, is it?

189
00:09:23,301 --> 00:09:24,825
Do you know
that Hitler and I

190
00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:26,478
have the same
answering service?

191
00:09:35,096 --> 00:09:37,315
-RADAR: Here, doggie, doggie.
-[Henry whistling]

192
00:09:37,359 --> 00:09:41,145
Poor little doggie, all alone
in a foreign country, lost.

193
00:09:41,189 --> 00:09:44,627
That dog is Korean, Radar.
It barks in Korean.

194
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,455
Oh.

195
00:09:46,498 --> 00:09:47,674
Ohh.

196
00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:48,849
[whistling]

197
00:09:50,285 --> 00:09:52,853
You-you-you
wanna quit, sir?

198
00:09:52,896 --> 00:09:55,812
No, no.

199
00:09:55,856 --> 00:09:58,685
But if I shake hands
with one more farmer,

200
00:09:58,728 --> 00:10:00,817
I'll probably be
elected to office.

201
00:10:00,861 --> 00:10:02,427
I'm sorry, sir.
It's all my fault.

202
00:10:02,471 --> 00:10:04,473
It's all my fault.
It wouldn't have happened

203
00:10:04,516 --> 00:10:06,562
if I never let you
have that zoo.

204
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,303
I should've seen it comin'.

205
00:10:08,346 --> 00:10:10,871
First time you came in
with that little field mouse

206
00:10:10,914 --> 00:10:13,438
and asked us to fit
him for glasses.

207
00:10:13,482 --> 00:10:16,137
[both whistling]

208
00:10:18,705 --> 00:10:19,923
Here, doggie.

209
00:10:19,967 --> 00:10:21,185
How's your hand?

210
00:10:21,229 --> 00:10:22,317
It's okay.

211
00:10:27,714 --> 00:10:29,367
Oh, hello,
Mrs. Rosie.

212
00:10:29,411 --> 00:10:30,978
HENRY:
Hi, Rosie.

213
00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:33,937
Hello, Colonel Blake.
Radar.

214
00:10:33,981 --> 00:10:36,287
What do ya hear, Rosie?

215
00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:39,290
Well, the Philippines
just arrived

216
00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:41,597
with 50,000 cakes of soap.

217
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,686
Janet Leigh's
marrying Tony Curtis.

218
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:44,905
[whistle through teeth]

219
00:10:44,948 --> 00:10:46,254
And it looks like

220
00:10:46,297 --> 00:10:48,473
Ike's got the nomination
all sewn up.

221
00:10:48,517 --> 00:10:52,347
Boy, you really have
all the poop, don't you?

222
00:10:52,390 --> 00:10:53,914
Yeah, uh,
speaking of poop,

223
00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:55,437
you haven't seen a
little dog around here,

224
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:56,612
have you, Miss Rosie?

225
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,353
A little white
and brown one?

226
00:10:58,396 --> 00:11:00,355
Uh, no, sir, it was more
brown than white, actually.

227
00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:01,661
-It's just a basic dog, Radar.
-He was brown.

228
00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:03,184
About so high with
a little wet nose.

229
00:11:03,227 --> 00:11:04,533
It bit Radar
on the hand.

230
00:11:04,576 --> 00:11:06,404
Are you all right,
Corporal?

231
00:11:06,448 --> 00:11:08,450
Uh, yes, ma'am, as long as I
don't start acting rabid.

232
00:11:08,493 --> 00:11:10,017
You haven't seen him, huh?

233
00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:12,236
I don't think so.

234
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:13,847
[speaking Korean]

235
00:11:18,199 --> 00:11:20,375
[speaking Korean]

236
00:11:20,418 --> 00:11:21,768
Oh, they've seen
your dog, Colonel.

237
00:11:21,811 --> 00:11:23,073
Oh, where? When?
Ask him.

238
00:11:23,117 --> 00:11:25,206
[speaking Korean]

239
00:11:25,249 --> 00:11:27,251
[speaking Korean]

240
00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:30,037
Ah.

241
00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:33,344
What'd he say?
What'd he say?

242
00:11:33,388 --> 00:11:35,477
-"Kay koom moouh."
-"Kay koom moouh."

243
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,740
They say,
"It was delicious."

244
00:11:37,784 --> 00:11:40,308
Holy Toledo.

245
00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:42,702
Dog stew.

246
00:11:42,745 --> 00:11:46,967
Radar, these guys took your
dog home in a people bag.

247
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:50,361
I'm sorry, Corporal.

248
00:11:50,405 --> 00:11:52,929
How could they do that,
eat a dog?

249
00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:55,845
Must have been
a hell of a bun.

250
00:11:55,889 --> 00:11:59,196
It's a very common dish
among our older people.

251
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:01,372
Did this dog have
anything around its neck,

252
00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:03,200
like, uh, tags?

253
00:12:03,244 --> 00:12:05,942
[speaking Korean]

254
00:12:08,292 --> 00:12:10,120
They ate the tags, too?

255
00:12:10,164 --> 00:12:12,993
They say their dinner
wasn't wearing that.

256
00:12:13,036 --> 00:12:15,256
Oh, well, then it's
not my one then, sir!

257
00:12:15,299 --> 00:12:16,692
Yeah. Yeah, great.

258
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,041
-Wonderful.
-Sir, wonderful.

259
00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:19,390
Wait-wait-wait a minute.

260
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:20,740
We're still not out
of the woods, Radar.

261
00:12:20,783 --> 00:12:22,045
What do you mean?

262
00:12:22,089 --> 00:12:23,394
I mean as long as that
mutt's still missing,

263
00:12:23,438 --> 00:12:25,570
you're gonna have to
start the rabies shots.

264
00:12:25,614 --> 00:12:27,703
-The shots?
-Look, I'll be
right there with ya.

265
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,531
And I come visit you.

266
00:12:29,574 --> 00:12:31,533
I'll bring you something
special to eat.

267
00:12:31,576 --> 00:12:34,492
Oh, no, thanks, Mrs. Rosie.

268
00:12:34,536 --> 00:12:36,973
I'm not feeling very
hungry in the future.

269
00:12:41,151 --> 00:12:43,806
It's just fever from
the vaccine, Corporal.

270
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:45,242
Yes, ma'am.

271
00:12:47,897 --> 00:12:50,465
Aren't you gonna
read your letter?

272
00:12:50,508 --> 00:12:54,034
Oh, I get sort of carsick
when I read in bed.

273
00:12:54,077 --> 00:12:56,036
Would you, for me?

274
00:12:56,079 --> 00:12:58,299
Well, it's
from a young lady.

275
00:12:58,342 --> 00:13:00,562
It might be
intimate or personal.

276
00:13:00,605 --> 00:13:03,391
Oh, that's okay. I don't
know anybody personally.

277
00:13:05,088 --> 00:13:06,655
Well, all right,
but rest assured,

278
00:13:06,698 --> 00:13:08,875
I won't listen
to a word I read.

279
00:13:14,271 --> 00:13:16,360
"Dear Corporal O'Reilly,

280
00:13:16,404 --> 00:13:18,493
"you don't know me,
but Mrs. Kittley,

281
00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:20,843
"whose cashier where I work
and also a Red Cross lady,

282
00:13:20,887 --> 00:13:22,453
"gave me your name off a list

283
00:13:22,497 --> 00:13:24,281
"as a young red-blooded
American soldier

284
00:13:24,325 --> 00:13:27,284
"I could make happy
with a letter from home.

285
00:13:27,328 --> 00:13:31,158
"So I did. I know you
are busy with the war,

286
00:13:31,201 --> 00:13:33,116
"laying down your life,
et cetera,

287
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:34,901
"so may not have time
to write back.

288
00:13:34,944 --> 00:13:36,380
"If so, please check one:

289
00:13:36,424 --> 00:13:38,469
"Yes, I can answer this,
no, I cannot.

290
00:13:41,646 --> 00:13:43,735
"And now a little
bit about myself.

291
00:13:43,779 --> 00:13:45,563
"I am 17 years old,

292
00:13:45,607 --> 00:13:47,565
"and my name is
Wanda Nell McCandless.

293
00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:49,524
"I live in Catoosa,
Oklahoma,

294
00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:51,874
"and work in candy at
Kress' Five and Dime.

295
00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:56,096
"That's probably why everyone
tells me I'm sweet. Ha ha.

296
00:13:56,139 --> 00:13:58,968
How do you like me
so far: Yes/no?"

297
00:14:04,147 --> 00:14:08,456
"My favorite song is
'Oh, the Wayward Wind is
a Restless' by Gogi Grant

298
00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:11,894
"and 'Pretty Thing,' 'Diddy
Wah Diddy' by Bo Diddley.

299
00:14:11,938 --> 00:14:14,723
Do you agree: Yes/no?"

300
00:14:14,766 --> 00:14:16,290
Which one?

301
00:14:16,333 --> 00:14:17,595
[muffled]
The-the second one.

302
00:14:17,639 --> 00:14:19,336
The "Diddy Bo Diddy" thing?

303
00:14:22,687 --> 00:14:24,385
"By writing this letter,

304
00:14:24,428 --> 00:14:26,909
I feel I'm doing my own
small part for my country.

305
00:14:26,953 --> 00:14:28,476
Would you like to go steady?

306
00:14:28,519 --> 00:14:30,870
If so, would we have
to go all the way?"

307
00:14:35,178 --> 00:14:36,571
Oh, no.

308
00:14:37,964 --> 00:14:39,966
Especially on
the first letter.

309
00:14:43,752 --> 00:14:46,276
"Because I'm not allowed
to do that for my country,

310
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,017
although there are some do.

311
00:14:48,061 --> 00:14:50,846
Do you know Sharon
Kay LaFever: Yes/no?"

312
00:14:53,196 --> 00:14:55,068
No.

313
00:14:56,547 --> 00:14:59,724
"If so, she's one that does.

314
00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:02,379
"Hope you don't get killed in
action before this gets there.

315
00:15:02,423 --> 00:15:04,425
"Please send me a picture
of you in your uniform,

316
00:15:04,468 --> 00:15:06,644
"and I'll send you
one of me in mine.

317
00:15:06,688 --> 00:15:08,995
"S-W-A-K, Wanda Nell.

318
00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:10,605
"P.S. If asked,

319
00:15:10,648 --> 00:15:12,912
"people say I am a very
pleasant-looking young lady.

320
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:14,826
"How would you
describe yourself?

321
00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:18,787
"Check one: Made in heaven,
Adorable, Not Bad,

322
00:15:18,830 --> 00:15:21,485
Need help, Really hurting."

323
00:15:23,618 --> 00:15:24,706
Corporal?

324
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:44,552
V-A-I-L-N-E-S-S.
There it is, Scrabble fans,

325
00:15:44,595 --> 00:15:46,641
and that's the end
of the game.

326
00:15:46,684 --> 00:15:48,730
"Vailness"? "Vailness."

327
00:15:48,773 --> 00:15:50,732
What the devil
does "vailness" mean?

328
00:15:50,775 --> 00:15:52,734
It means he's losing.
Take that off.

329
00:15:52,777 --> 00:15:54,127
I swear it's a word.

330
00:15:54,170 --> 00:15:55,476
I swear it
on Frank's life.

331
00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:56,520
Vailness?

332
00:15:56,564 --> 00:15:58,305
Vailness.

333
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:01,438
A quality of vail.

334
00:16:01,482 --> 00:16:03,440
The act of vailing.

335
00:16:03,484 --> 00:16:05,486
To be full of vaily.

336
00:16:07,053 --> 00:16:09,969
Aw, come on. Henry,
it's your turn.

337
00:16:10,012 --> 00:16:14,495
I quit. What am I gonna do
with an "X" and a "zikm"?

338
00:16:14,538 --> 00:16:16,584
Somebody plays a "ray,"
you can take your "X"

339
00:16:16,627 --> 00:16:18,586
and blow this game wide open.

340
00:16:18,629 --> 00:16:22,372
Okay, okay. What I need
is another drink.

341
00:16:22,416 --> 00:16:25,071
What's the matter
with the one you got?

342
00:16:25,114 --> 00:16:26,986
Oh.

343
00:16:28,726 --> 00:16:30,902
[exhales] For one
thing, it's gone.

344
00:16:32,426 --> 00:16:34,950
Poor little tyke,
his first shot.

345
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:38,562
Pretty rough, you know.
All alone in the hospital.

346
00:16:38,606 --> 00:16:40,521
Henry, he is
with other patients.

347
00:16:40,564 --> 00:16:42,653
Who would find it
very strange to see
their doctor

348
00:16:42,697 --> 00:16:44,481
crawling into bed
with one of them.

349
00:16:44,525 --> 00:16:46,918
Yeah, but why Radar?
Such a good kid.

350
00:16:46,962 --> 00:16:48,485
Tell you what.
After lights out,

351
00:16:48,529 --> 00:16:49,834
we'll go over there,
and we'll entertain him

352
00:16:49,878 --> 00:16:51,053
with little bunny
shadows on the wall.

353
00:16:51,097 --> 00:16:52,054
[knocking]

354
00:16:52,098 --> 00:16:53,925
I'm closed.

355
00:16:53,969 --> 00:16:56,189
FRANK: Colonel, I know
you're in there.

356
00:16:56,232 --> 00:16:57,973
That's very good, Frank.

357
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:00,062
Now can you describe
what he's wearing?

358
00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:01,759
Colonel...

359
00:17:01,803 --> 00:17:04,545
Frank, whatever it is,
just write it down

360
00:17:04,588 --> 00:17:06,721
and put it on my desk
where I can't find it.

361
00:17:06,764 --> 00:17:09,898
I just tripped over
Captain Pierce's patient.

362
00:17:09,941 --> 00:17:11,595
He was crawling
into the mess tent.

363
00:17:11,639 --> 00:17:12,683
Terrific.

364
00:17:12,727 --> 00:17:14,990
Is this the battle
fatigue case?

365
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,992
-Uh-huh.
-It's disgraceful.

366
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:20,343
A United States soldier
crawling on the ground.

367
00:17:20,387 --> 00:17:23,042
Try telling that
to the infantry, Frank.

368
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:26,132
That man's a psycho,
and for some perverted reason,

369
00:17:26,175 --> 00:17:27,872
these two wanna
play games with him.

370
00:17:27,916 --> 00:17:30,701
We're just following
Sid Freedman's advice.

371
00:17:30,745 --> 00:17:32,616
Sid's the best.

372
00:17:32,660 --> 00:17:35,445
You get a soldier who has
hysterical paralysis,

373
00:17:35,489 --> 00:17:37,621
and you treat him as though
he's really paralyzed,

374
00:17:37,665 --> 00:17:40,015
and he'll become sick
just to rationalize the guilt

375
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,886
of leaving his buddies
at the front.

376
00:17:41,930 --> 00:17:45,107
Anyone who needs psychiatry
is sick in the head.

377
00:17:45,151 --> 00:17:49,720
Aw, can it, Frank.
Go ahead.

378
00:17:49,764 --> 00:17:51,722
Sid feels you take
a patient like that

379
00:17:51,766 --> 00:17:53,420
and send him back to
a nice, clean hospital,

380
00:17:53,463 --> 00:17:55,074
it just deepens the guilt.

381
00:17:55,117 --> 00:17:57,337
You send him home, and
it sets it in concrete.

382
00:17:57,380 --> 00:17:59,121
Yeah, he's been
treating his patients

383
00:17:59,165 --> 00:18:00,775
as close to the
front as possible,

384
00:18:00,818 --> 00:18:02,516
with the idea that they'll
return to their unit.

385
00:18:02,559 --> 00:18:04,300
Otherwise, they get
sent stateside,

386
00:18:04,344 --> 00:18:06,737
and-and one moment's
failure on the battlefield

387
00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:08,739
becomes a lifetime
disability.

388
00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:10,393
Sid gotten good results?

389
00:18:10,437 --> 00:18:12,482
Good enough
to keep trying.

390
00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:14,005
It's a bunch o'
hooey, Colonel.

391
00:18:14,049 --> 00:18:16,051
I'm taking this to
a higher authority.

392
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:19,402
Oh, Frank, you're not gonna
call your mother again?

393
00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:24,581
You know, uh,
it seems to me

394
00:18:24,625 --> 00:18:26,235
the fact that he made it
to the mess tent at all

395
00:18:26,279 --> 00:18:27,758
-is a good sign.
-Oh, very good.

396
00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:29,369
Now if we could just
get him to open up

397
00:18:29,412 --> 00:18:31,632
about what happened,
talk it all out.

398
00:18:31,675 --> 00:18:34,722
Unfortunately, in his eyes,
I'm just left of Godzilla.

399
00:18:34,765 --> 00:18:36,463
Yeah. Yeah.

400
00:18:36,506 --> 00:18:38,813
Why don't I give it a try?

401
00:18:38,856 --> 00:18:41,032
My wife says
I'm easy to talk to,

402
00:18:41,076 --> 00:18:42,556
whenever we're talkin'.

403
00:18:51,652 --> 00:18:53,915
I hear you and I have
something in common.

404
00:18:57,092 --> 00:18:58,659
You're from Boston.

405
00:19:00,443 --> 00:19:02,184
That's where I interned,

406
00:19:02,228 --> 00:19:03,968
when I wasn't tryin' to
sneak into the ballpark.

407
00:19:08,886 --> 00:19:12,063
You ever watch
the Red Sox at Fenway?

408
00:19:17,286 --> 00:19:19,027
I grew up at Fenway.

409
00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:20,289
Radar?

410
00:19:20,333 --> 00:19:22,030
Can you hear me?

411
00:19:22,073 --> 00:19:23,771
It's me.

412
00:19:23,814 --> 00:19:25,860
I'm sorry about
the car, Dad.

413
00:19:25,903 --> 00:19:27,731
I had to swerve
to miss the lake.

414
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,259
We really miss you
around the place.

415
00:19:36,305 --> 00:19:37,872
Radar?

416
00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:44,574
Are you sure your parents
won't be home till later?

417
00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:50,885
Ted Williams drafted?

418
00:19:50,928 --> 00:19:52,278
You sure?

419
00:19:52,321 --> 00:19:54,323
He's on his way
to the R.O.K.

420
00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:57,544
Oh, they can't do that.

421
00:19:57,587 --> 00:20:00,242
The Sox'll never take
the pennant without him.

422
00:20:00,286 --> 00:20:05,682
531 times at bat last year
and an average of .318.

423
00:20:07,336 --> 00:20:09,251
-Radar?
-Hmm?

424
00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:11,949
I really hate to
bother you with this,

425
00:20:11,993 --> 00:20:14,256
but could you just
think for a second

426
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:19,174
where the key to the bottom of
my liquor cabinet might be?

427
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:20,219
Mm-hmm.

428
00:20:22,525 --> 00:20:23,874
Well, where is it?

429
00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:27,051
Um...

430
00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:31,186
Oh, it's under the welcome mat
on the back porch.

431
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:34,407
Radar, we don't
have a back porch.

432
00:20:34,450 --> 00:20:37,714
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

433
00:20:37,758 --> 00:20:39,977
I'll request one
for you right away.

434
00:20:42,197 --> 00:20:44,286
Doesn't seem fair.

435
00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:46,767
He was having
such a great year.

436
00:20:46,810 --> 00:20:49,073
Weren't you,
before you were drafted?

437
00:20:49,117 --> 00:20:50,684
Yeah.

438
00:20:52,207 --> 00:20:54,644
But I bet he'll do
a lot better over here.

439
00:20:54,688 --> 00:20:56,429
Better than who?

440
00:21:01,956 --> 00:21:06,743
Those tanks, they just
kept coming and coming.

441
00:21:06,787 --> 00:21:10,791
And they were so big.

442
00:21:10,834 --> 00:21:12,358
They were so big, you know?

443
00:21:15,317 --> 00:21:18,712
And...they killed everyone.

444
00:21:20,714 --> 00:21:23,194
And-and they killed 'em
even after they were dead.

445
00:21:24,805 --> 00:21:27,808
I-I tried.

446
00:21:27,851 --> 00:21:30,071
I really tried.

447
00:21:30,114 --> 00:21:31,681
But I couldn't move.

448
00:21:34,423 --> 00:21:37,208
I didn't fire my rifle.

449
00:21:38,514 --> 00:21:40,255
I didn't throw my grenade.

450
00:21:42,692 --> 00:21:44,477
God, I didn't do anything.

451
00:21:46,783 --> 00:21:49,743
I just laid there,
like some coward.

452
00:21:53,834 --> 00:21:57,011
It's all right, Corporal.
It's all right.

453
00:21:59,274 --> 00:22:01,972
[chittering]

454
00:22:02,016 --> 00:22:06,586
Okay, there's no rabies
in this group.

455
00:22:06,629 --> 00:22:09,023
Now, so that none of us ever
have to go through this again,

456
00:22:09,066 --> 00:22:12,809
I'm gonna vaccinate
all your little hoo-has.

457
00:22:14,376 --> 00:22:16,160
[dog barking]

458
00:22:21,078 --> 00:22:23,385
Steal the sign
from the nurses' tent?

459
00:22:23,429 --> 00:22:25,213
McIntyre...

460
00:22:25,256 --> 00:22:27,998
stand still and pretend
you're not here.

461
00:22:28,042 --> 00:22:30,349
I do that all day long.

462
00:22:30,392 --> 00:22:33,961
I think Radar's dog
came home to roost.

463
00:22:34,004 --> 00:22:36,093
[barks]

464
00:22:36,137 --> 00:22:38,922
Just gonna ease over...

465
00:22:38,966 --> 00:22:40,794
nice and friendly...

466
00:22:40,837 --> 00:22:42,491
-and grab him!
-[arf]

467
00:22:42,535 --> 00:22:44,406
-Come on, let's go!
-[barking]

468
00:22:44,450 --> 00:22:46,408
TRAPPER: There he goes,
over this way.

469
00:22:46,452 --> 00:22:47,975
-[whistling] Hey, doggie!
-Come on, dog!

470
00:22:48,018 --> 00:22:49,150
Hey, dog, come here.

471
00:22:49,193 --> 00:22:50,586
-Come on.
-There he goes.

472
00:22:50,630 --> 00:22:51,848
-Hey! Get the dog!
-[barking]

473
00:22:51,892 --> 00:22:53,067
-Henry!
-Yeah!

474
00:22:53,110 --> 00:22:54,547
Look out!
That miserable dog!

475
00:22:54,590 --> 00:22:57,071
Hey! Get him!
Look where he's going!

476
00:22:57,114 --> 00:22:59,160
Look out! Mad dog!
Look out!

477
00:22:59,203 --> 00:23:00,291
[women scream]

478
00:23:00,335 --> 00:23:01,684
-Look out!
-Watch it!

479
00:23:01,728 --> 00:23:03,120
-Henry!
-Where's he going?

480
00:23:03,164 --> 00:23:04,600
He's going behind
the mess tent.

481
00:23:04,644 --> 00:23:05,906
He's going behind
the mess tent.

482
00:23:05,949 --> 00:23:07,211
Look out!
Get outta my way!

483
00:23:07,255 --> 00:23:08,343
HENRY:
Oh, my goodness.

484
00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:09,736
-Watch that dog!
-[barking]

485
00:23:09,779 --> 00:23:11,694
-Holy cow!
-Henry, look out! Come on!

486
00:23:11,738 --> 00:23:13,609
-Mad dog! Look out!
-[screaming]

487
00:23:13,653 --> 00:23:15,785
Mad! Look out!
Mad! Look out!

488
00:23:15,829 --> 00:23:17,396
[shouting]

489
00:23:22,531 --> 00:23:24,272
-Radar.
-Huh?

490
00:23:24,315 --> 00:23:25,926
We found the dog
and it's negative.

491
00:23:25,969 --> 00:23:28,755
-You're gonna be okay.
-Oh, no more shots?

492
00:23:28,798 --> 00:23:30,409
Not on your Aunt Fanny.

493
00:23:30,452 --> 00:23:32,541
Then I'm gonna
live past 18.

494
00:23:34,456 --> 00:23:36,980
A deal's a deal, sir.

495
00:23:37,024 --> 00:23:38,765
No more "hells,"
"damns,"

496
00:23:38,808 --> 00:23:41,115
and especially
not the big one.

497
00:23:41,158 --> 00:23:43,030
No more fibs,

498
00:23:43,073 --> 00:23:47,034
and I promise I won't watch my
rabbits mess around anymore.

499
00:23:47,077 --> 00:23:50,472
So whatever Major Houlihan
says is what I feel.

500
00:23:50,516 --> 00:23:52,648
Anything I could add would
be of little consequence.

501
00:23:52,692 --> 00:23:54,520
I won't argue with
you there, Frank.

502
00:23:54,563 --> 00:23:55,956
You rang, Henry?

503
00:23:55,999 --> 00:23:57,392
It's very simple,
Colonel.

504
00:23:57,436 --> 00:23:59,133
Either you ship
Travis out,

505
00:23:59,176 --> 00:24:01,483
or the major and I will simply
have to go over your head.

506
00:24:01,527 --> 00:24:03,006
Well, you've done that
so many times,

507
00:24:03,050 --> 00:24:04,965
I've got athlete's scalp.

508
00:24:05,008 --> 00:24:06,662
How's the Travis
kid coming?

509
00:24:06,706 --> 00:24:08,490
I think okay.
Give him a few more days.

510
00:24:08,534 --> 00:24:11,450
Keeping that man here defies
every medical precept!

511
00:24:11,493 --> 00:24:13,190
So do you, Frank.

512
00:24:13,234 --> 00:24:15,454
You're an incredible example
of death after life.

513
00:24:15,497 --> 00:24:16,672
Colonel,
did you hear that?

514
00:24:16,716 --> 00:24:17,717
Yeah, I heard that.

515
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,501
[all arguing]

516
00:24:19,545 --> 00:24:21,285
FRANK:
...on a medical level.

517
00:24:22,548 --> 00:24:24,288
Uh, Captain Pierce, sir?

518
00:24:28,205 --> 00:24:29,206
I'm standing.

519
00:24:30,730 --> 00:24:32,079
Great position.

520
00:24:32,122 --> 00:24:33,820
He had no idea
you were so tall.

521
00:24:33,863 --> 00:24:35,909
Otherwise, he wouldn't
have been rough on you.

522
00:24:35,952 --> 00:24:37,606
I'm not usually a pushover
for a uniform,

523
00:24:37,650 --> 00:24:40,043
but I love ya, kid.
I really do.

524
00:24:40,087 --> 00:24:41,871
Margaret, I was wrong.

525
00:24:41,915 --> 00:24:43,046
Oh.

526
00:24:44,265 --> 00:24:45,962
You're always wrong, Frank.

527
00:24:46,006 --> 00:24:47,790
That's what's so
right about you.

528
00:24:47,834 --> 00:24:49,488
Come on.
I'll buy some bad coffee.

529
00:24:49,531 --> 00:24:51,272
Travis, this time,
you walk to the mess tent.

530
00:24:51,315 --> 00:24:52,360
[laughter] Hey.

531
00:24:58,366 --> 00:25:00,499
Where's my
Sunbather's Annual?

532
00:25:00,542 --> 00:25:02,109
I don't know.

533
00:25:02,152 --> 00:25:03,589
What are you reading?

534
00:25:03,632 --> 00:25:05,547
Ladies' Home Journal.

535
00:25:05,591 --> 00:25:09,116
I'm taking a test to see
if I'm a thoughtful wife.

536
00:25:09,159 --> 00:25:10,247
What's that, Frank?

537
00:25:10,291 --> 00:25:11,727
Medical journal.

538
00:25:11,771 --> 00:25:14,121
You know, the Travis case
reminded me of...

539
00:25:14,164 --> 00:25:16,471
the importance of keeping
up-to-date medically.

540
00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:18,778
-Oh, very good, Frank.
-Well, for instance,

541
00:25:18,821 --> 00:25:20,562
this article, it suggests
that on major surgery,

542
00:25:20,606 --> 00:25:23,086
a doctor should base his fee

543
00:25:23,130 --> 00:25:25,175
on 5% of the patient's
yearly income.

544
00:25:27,047 --> 00:25:29,266
Hey, stop that!

545
00:25:29,310 --> 00:25:31,791
Come on, you guys!
Hey! Help!

546
00:25:36,317 --> 00:25:38,537
♪♪ [theme]